Various Bits of Humor
Before
you criticize someone walk a mile in his shoes. That way if
he gets angry he'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
A clear
conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you
must choose between two evils pick the one you've never tried
before.
My idea
of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one
shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
For every
action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is
a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed
mouth gathers no feet.
If you
look like your passport picture you probably need the trip.
Always
yield to temptation because it may not pass your way again.
Bills
travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience
is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well-------------
stay fit -------------die anyway.
Men are
from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband
has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced
diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle
age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change
places.
Artificial
intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Experience
is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
Someone
who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe
the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm
in the bathroom.
Blessed
are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
Opportunities
always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is
something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There
is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Artificial
intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Experience
is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
By the
time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
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Added January
9, 2003:
Healthful
Eating (Ha, ha!)
Subject:
ANSWERS TO HOLIDAY HEALTH ISSUES (Funny)
Q: I've
heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take
a nap.
Q: Should
I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and
corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily
allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer
or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.
As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine
are not
animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements,
so that only
leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer
and enjoy your
liquid vegetables.
Q: How
can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio
is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What
are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain - Good.
Q: If I
stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace
of mind. If
you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record
time.
Q: Aren't
fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad
for you?
Q: What's
the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will
sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate
bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the
best feel
good food around!
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Vodka Letter ::::::this is funny
A new priest
at his first mass was so nervous he
could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done . The monsignor
replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his
ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat
me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Does this make sense?
Proof that the world is nuts
In Lebanon,
men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals
must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look
different reversed?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased
must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much
worse than "going blind!")
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of
having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it
is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think
for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world, that
even comes close to this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only
in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the First time this happens, her mother must be in the room
to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex
with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this
was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold
for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country
or what? Not as great as Guam!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue...(Hummm....I
won't touch THAT one!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times
its own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the
govt. pay for this research??)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And, the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they
have bad breath?)
.. . . Where are the applications for Guam
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Added February 12, 2000
Additions made January 9, 2003
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