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WORDS WOMEN USE!
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel
they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine"
to describe how a woman looks -this will cause you to have one
of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your
toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling
a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down,
and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument
that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset
over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD or WHATEVER (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because
I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead"
in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine"
and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when
she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks
you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting
her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs"
mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe,
and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants
to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it
is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used
with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised
Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair
chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a
"That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off
at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous
way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful
not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as
she will only tell you "Nothing."
Send this to the men you know to warn them
about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
And send it to your women friends to give them
a good laugh!
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Lady or Real woman? Which are you?
Ladies: If a lady accidentally over-salts a
dish while it's still cooking, she drops in a peeled potato
and it absorbs the excess salt for a instant "fix-me-up".
Real Women: If you over-salt a dish while you
are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The
Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and
I don't care how bad it tastes."
Ladies: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women: Take a lime, mix it with tequila,
chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who
cares?
Ladies: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women: Just suck the ice cream out of
the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying
on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Ladies: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
bag with the potatoes.
Real Women: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and
keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Ladies: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,
use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any
white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Women: Go to the bakery - they'll even
decorate it for you.
Ladies: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women: Sara Lee frozen pie directions
do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just
don't do it.
Ladies: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening
jars easy.
Real Women: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy
to do it.
And finally the most important tip....
Ladies: Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women: Leftover wine??
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true
friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that
was fun!"
TODAY'S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE:
"Remember, if you ever need a helping
hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older
you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself,
the other for helping others."
Audrey Hepburn
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TO SMART WOMEN EVERYWHERE:
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I
know I'm not dumb .... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly
ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong-
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything
that feels good for 36 hours.
-Rita Rudner-
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free
dog.-Wendy Liebman- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing
them.
-Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride
on.
-Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner-
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you
want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Gloria Steinem-
I never married because there was no need. I have three
pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that
growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes
home late at night
-Marie Corelli-
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith-
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around
your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee-
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I
keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
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Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days
in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life
in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
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TOP TEN THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN
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10.
JUST SMILE AND PASS IT ON!
Received from DGJPARSONS.
-=+=-
From:
The Good, Clean Funnies List.
For subscription and other information, go to the GCFL web page
at http://www.gcfl.net, or send email to
info@gcfl.net.
Added February 12, 2000, addition on July 29,
2003
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