1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

4) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

5) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

6) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

7) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.

8) God must love stupid people; he made so many.

9) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

10) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

11) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

12) To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.

13) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.

14) My Dog Can Lick Anyone

15) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

16) Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

17) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Slogans for Women's T-shirts

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.

5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.

6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

12. My husband could have had any women he pleased--he just couldn't please any!

13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

17. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

18. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

19. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

20. My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).

21. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

22. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

23. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

25. I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc.)

Received from Peggy Pound with additions from Danny Eldridge.

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Added March 15, 2000, Additions July 29, 2003

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