I've been told that these have been wrongly attributed to George Carlin.
This is from the letter I received regarding this:

Some Gems

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.



Imponderables:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in... What happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

I like sports because I enjoy knowing that many of these macho atheletes have to vomit before a big game. Any guy who takes a job where you gotta puke first is my kind of guy.

Sties are caused by watching your dog shit.

We're all f****d. It helps to remember that.

If you love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire.

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconcious.

The only good thing to come out of religion was the music.

There ought to be at least one round state.

In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first.

Why can't there be more suffering?

Where does the Dentist go when he leaves the room?

I almost don't feel the way I do.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Human beings are kind of interesting from birth until they reach the age of a year and a half. Then they are boring until they reach fifty. By that time they're either completely defeated and f****d up, which makes them interesting again, or they've learned how to beat the game, and that makes them interesting too.

Ross Perot. Just what a nation of idiots needs: a short, loud idiot.

The bigger they are, the worse they smell.

No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

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HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Check out George Carlin's Web site: http://www.georgecarlin.com/georgecarlin/home/home.html
It's a gas!

Added September 10, 2002, More added 15 May 2003