Dear Diary...

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.................

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour
and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on
the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute
it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching
the skilfull way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why on earth would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other garbage too.

Thursday:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.(Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my wife (the witch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
canal or a vasectomy.

Added December 19, 2003