Doctors Have Good Stories, Too

A man came running into the ER and yelled, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

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At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," the patient said wistfully.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left."
Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested.
There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

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During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the man had over fifty patches on his body.
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. (And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the obvious!)
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

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I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

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A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.

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A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."!

Added September 27, 2001, One addition December 19, 2003

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